This might be a short one, both because it's a relatively simpler one and also because it is probably the one topic of all 30 that I am least equipped to speak on succinctly. Yet, the point of this blog was to express my current feelings on everything. That's exactly what I'll do.
I've said it a million times before but I've had an odd little life, not without it's mistakes and pains. As such, it is often hard not to use my past as a reason to feel sorry for myself or to begin to use it to create a doomed future for myself. In fact, once you begin to look back in a negative manner, you find little extra pieces to hurt yourself with. Every little memory from the harshest hurt to the smallest inconvenience becomes something to paint a bleaker future with.
I think, rather annoyingly, I have managed to grow up in equal fear of both the effects of the past and the opportunity of the future. To top things off, I'm often not a fan of the present either. Not particularly useful.
Like I said, I don't think I've really learned how to evolve beyond this across 30 years, but it has changed and remoulded itself into different emotions and perspectives. It is, much like my mental health as a whole, a flitting, dog-on-zoomies crash of chaos. That does have it's upsides, though.
Funnily enough, I've started to recognise that I am afraid of my future and emotional over my past when something big is about to happen or when, more often than not, something good is about to happen. Instantly, I begin to catastrophise. My brain is so used to sadness and to anxiety that the concept of anything even a little bit positive sends it into overdrive and, I think, it begins to find ways to keep us in that same old spot of comfort (which is discomfort itself).
So when I begin to feel any sort of attachment to time or to things that have passed or are still to come, I start to try and understand why I'm thinking these things now. Like, what is the significance of this particular point in my life that is making so preoccupied with the past and/or future?
Usually, it is when I am beginning to fall for someone, when I am closer to moving home, when I am feeling somewhat optimistic about my career, when I am complimented, when I am enjoying a day with friends. It is these positive, hope filled moments that have me running to my old friend: fear. Normally because fear holds me back from trying new things and new things threaten instability.
But, in my world of - as I mentioned - dog-on-zoomies chaos, isn't everything a little unstable?
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